My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened