My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
hi why am I like this
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My birthstone is kidney
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.