[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event