i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?