I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.