How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.