ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.