I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
#titanic
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime