My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.