This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
my nickname in college
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?