If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
*updates tinder bio*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Dishonest mechanic?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.