this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)