[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂