LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
i hate you platonically
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat