I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[shakes fist at other fist]
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster