So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die