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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe