Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.