My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*