For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
All excellent questions
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to