me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.