girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…