I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
This is a sub tweet
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
So the ex texted me
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.