Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV