When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Damn he played himself
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go