All generalizations are stupid.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
What the dentist sees
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.