I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!