Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?