whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
need him
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Social Media and Real life
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.