In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
#CoronaOutbreak
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*