[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions