Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.