I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.