Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
my dog when i have a friend over
the rocks need my help
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it