Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos