*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”