Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
What’s so funny?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors