imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit