Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Goat cheese is for herders.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?