Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.