[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
True statement👍😏😁
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb