[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*