Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
A Short Story.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Ok but actually
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
won’t smith
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Come back with a warrant
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.