I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.