People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
#titanic
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.