The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
kitchen magnet
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff