Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together