*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?