I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Ovenable?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.