Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You Might Also Like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*